A heartfelt message to Amberlynn reid... day 54
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so today I did not do daily vlogging
today I well so I told all he that I
thought that my visitor was coming I
could kind of feel it and my tummy was
hurting really bad today like just
crampy and just really sleepy and just
like kind of lethargic really just kind
of just like I really have no energy for
nothing I hung out moment majority of my
day in here and I just wasn't filming it
and then after dinner
ester I was falling asleep it was like
oh no no no little girl you're getting
up because if you balls like now you're
gonna have me up at five o'clock in the
morning and we just start playing that
game today so I went I was like but I
gotta go pee really quick so I ran to
the bathroom and lo and behold she
arrived so that answered why I was
feeling very good today
so today kind of stinked a little bit
I'm really sorry I know that I really am
going to put forth this hard work as I
can to remember to get my camera out and
be working with it more than what I have
been but today was just one of those
days that I just really just I just
wanted to just hibernate that's the word
I wanted to hibernate and I did and it
was nice because all he was able to come
in here and we talked for like three
hours and we just haven't had that
connection time for a long time and it
was so nice the kids were busy you know
playing and you know the door was open
but you know they were just busy having
their own time so we were able to
connect and talk and it was just nice it
was nice we got to do some like
youtubing of different things and just
you know just doing our little
researches and stuff and
it was really nice though I really
honestly truly enjoyed it and but I want
to apologize because I did not check in
with all today and I feel really guilty
because I know that that's something you
guys have been really wanting and
yesterday I did a lot better and then
today I was just like wow
nothing nothing at all um I also want to
apologize for how long the video was
yesterday's video I was not expecting it
to be that long in fact it was even
longer than that because when I went to
go and edit it I was like oh my gosh
like that's a long video but it just
seemed like I had you know I had so much
in the video that I didn't want to cut
anything off like cuz everything was
like what I want how do I do it it was
what I've been wanting to put into my
videos and so I didn't want to subtract
anything so I don't want to get rid of
anything but I yeah
so I did a little bit but not I think
really what I subtracted was me folding
clothes and chit chatting I think about
just random I think that was about yeah
so there was only two times that I like
kind of edited like small things out but
it clearly still was an hour and I think
23 or 29 minutes long and all he's like
honey we ain't tried to watch a movie
I'm like sure yashi are and so I'm sorry
I hope you guys enjoyed it though hmm
I'm gonna work I promise I really will
but yeah they he was just like oh it was
really nice though it was a change and
so I just I'm hoping that I did not bore
you guys out because it was definitely a
long one but hopefully I'm going I'm
hoping to get better at it though you
guys I really am i it's just my strife
you know it's I want to share every
detail of my day in my life and I don't
know how much of it you guys really want
to see and then I was also I was
watching a video
yesterday see yesterday yeah I think it
was yesterday I was watching a video on
amber lynn reed and she kind of is the
one that caught my attention when i
started doing like watching youtube not
when i started doing youtube but when i
was like starting to branch out to start
watching YouTube and I've noticed that
you know she was going really strong at
the very beginning and then she kind of
went through a period of time where
things were kind of transitioning and
not that her channel was a transitioning
but she was transitioning health-wise
and physical wise and things like that
and then she's kind of gotten to a point
where I've noticed that she's kind of
taken a little bit of a step back in
producing out videos and I'm private
message to her well yeah I I deemed her
on Instagram actually and I was like hey
wonder you know when are you gonna start
coming up with videos I'm really missing
you cuz I enjoyed her video she would
put one up every single day and it was
just about life you know what she was
doing you know it was I enjoyed it I
loved watching daily vlogs now that is
just my thing I love I feel like I can
connect with somebody when they're
posting more videos than just one every
couple of weeks I feel like you can get
more personal with the person if you're
watching their daily lives every single
day so but again I remember too that
we're only seeing clips of things so
it's not like it's the full story of
everything going on in their life but I
know at one point she stepped back a
little bit because she was you know
getting a lot of negativity and it
wasn't on her part that was her fault so
much as she's really struggling right
now she has a binging disorder just like
I do and it took me to go to you know to
to therapy to finally learn that like I
didn't know that before obviously so I
did multiple diets and things and ever
one of them would fail because that
wasn't the issue it was I have a
disorder that I have to deal with first
and so I've been listening to her story
and I can you know I can put myself so
much on her level I've just you know and
I want to reach through my phone so bad
and give her a hug and be like it's okay
you know you're not alone in this
journey of struggling with something
that goes beyond what you can control it
is more than that it's an emotional
disorder it's a physical disorder it's a
mental disorder it's so many disorders
put into one and she - she's sure that
she was in foster care when she was a
child and I can relate to her on so many
levels
and it breaks my heart to see the hate
that she gets and I think you know cuz I
it takes it takes a lot to understand
somebody that has a disorder and seeing
her struggling so bad because she wants
to lose the weight and you can see it
she wants to lose the weight and I was
there I I wanted it so bad for myself
like I could taste it that's how bad I
wanted it but it seemed like I would
wake up in the morning and be like okay
I'm gonna do this I'm gonna work hard on
this you know well it wasn't even then
it was at the night of or the night
before as I'm going to bed I would think
okay tomorrow's the day I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna start doing healthy I'm gonna
start moving I'm gonna you know press
forward or we're done we're not gonna do
this anymore I'm gonna lose the weight I
have to morning would come and boom
there goes the chocolate chip cookies
and there goes this and there goes that
and by the time an hour and a half of my
morning routine has started I've already
flushed my whole healthy day down the
drain because I I couldn't control it I
couldn't help it and then I would spend
the rest of the day sabotaging myself
because I felt so bad because I allowed
myself to goof the minute I woke up
because I didn't have that stay ability
that I do now
totally with my therapist and my
counselor and all the work that we've
put together but watching her videos I
see myself in her so much and I wish you
know I've wrote messages to her and I
never get responses and I don't know I
hope and pray that she doesn't feel
threatened by me by any chance because
that's not what I'm trying to do and I
don't want her to feel like I'm trying
to become you know come at her and a
stance of saying well you know here over
500 pounds and this is not good and on
and on and on because girl I've been
there I've been that my highest weight I
ever reached I was 515 pounds and life
was hell
seriously life was living hell and I
felt like at that time everybody gave up
on me nobody you know everybody was just
like okay we're done and I think that
that's kind of where people are out with
her and her followers is that they've
come to a point where okay she has had
multiple starting weights and she's had
multiple diet choices and she's had
multiple chances to change her lifestyle
and she'll do good for a couple of days
you know and then something will happen
and it will backtrack it's not her and I
wish I could just write every single one
of them and be like you guys you don't
understand what she is going through you
are not understanding that this is not
her this is something that she is
fighting that ultimately is the worst
fight of your life when you have this
disease but it takes somebody to know
somebody that can relate and understand
that because I to deal with that I have
not successfully benched in over six
months
that's the longest I have ever been
without been Jean I give all the credit
to myself but I also give the credit to
all the hard work like I said between my
counselor my nutritionist and everything
that has been forth with my therapy
amber I don't know if you watch my
videos I would hope sometimes that you
would and I really hope today that you
would watch this video because I just
want to say one thing to you sweetheart
I understand what you're going through I
understand the hurt that comes along
with the frustration that you go through
and like I said it takes one to know one
what you're going through and not
everybody will ever understand this
frustration and the stress and the anger
that we we as binge eaters carry and
people don't know what we do to
ourselves and private for what we
struggle with I don't think people
understand that after we binge what we
physically put our bodies through we
physically are so abusive to our own
selves we beat our own selves up
emotionally mentally and even sometimes
physically and I just want you to know
that I am here for you
if you want to ever reach out to me
number and private message me I am here
for you I can talk with you I'm just
still fresh into this journey as like
you are I've only lost 34 pounds that's
not a lot but I've come a long way with
my therapist and I've learned a lot a
lot a lot of techniques that have helped
me when those times of binging comes
I've learned a lot of techniques that
have helped me be able to overcome that
I'm not perfect I'm not dietician I'm
not a counselor I'm not somebody that
has got this all down without ever
messing up but one thing I do know is
that having one person that will
understand you on a level that somebody
else will never understand you can mean
so much so much to somebody and I just
want you to know I understand where
you're from I understand where you're
coming from I get it I get the
depression I'm on lexapro you're on
lexapro there's been a time where I took
myself off of it
there was a quick time when I put myself
back on it there has been times where
I've hit depression so hard that I
wanted to commit suicide almost took my
life I was done I don't want to live
anymore I was a failure I was never
gonna mount to anybody in their face I
was a failure to my own self
why not just take it a bit why not just
leave but thank God I found my counselor
and my therapist because there who found
me they're the ones that said knowing me
you're worth more than that so I'm just
reaching a hand out to you you can take
it you don't have to I know it's a scary
step to accept help sometimes sometimes
saying I need help is a very scary thing
not only do you feel like maybe you're a
failure maybe you feel like you're
leaving letting yourself go but asking
for help can be your first step and I'd
love to be the one to help you if
anybody sees this video that is part of
Amber's channel I would love for you to
tell her to come and check my channel
out my heart goes out to her hundred
percent and I watch her videos every
time I get a notification it's like boom
I'm on it and when I watch her videos
and she says well you know I messed up
you know we had a bad week no you didn't
you didn't have a bad week your your
your disorder did but you didn't you're
still learning you're still growing it's
not Becky's fault it's nobody's fault
it's not even your fault
people won't understand that so they
will blame anybody and everybody they
can to say that it's your fault that
you're this big but in reality I
understand my husband's been blamed just
my co-pilot the one that feeds me the
one that goes and gets my food for me
again nobody will understand that but I
do he does Becky does and I know you do
so anyways I just wanted to point that
out because you know again like I said
I've watched many many many many of her
videos and it just it breaks my heart to
see the hate that comes from people that
don't understand what she is and and
what I am going through or what anybody
with us
binge disorder is going through because
like I said it's one of the hardest
disorders you can break it takes a lot a
lot of work so auntie who the rest of
the day was like I said just pretty
chill axed it wasn't really anything
nothing exciting anyways
tomorrow is Friday I was supposed to go
with my mom but we know how that went so
I think tomorrow we were gonna go to the
zoo but I decided not to go this week I
don't know I'm thinking maybe depending
on the weather because the weather is
really changing here quick very quick so
I'm wondering if next week will be a
better week for us to possibly go at the
beginning of next week it's to the zoo
and then they have a Children's Museum
down in Portland I was thinking to
checking that out I don't know I've
never been there but I've heard a lot of
stuff about it so that might mean if I
can talk right that might be something
to check out too and see um but yeah
that that was my day it wasn't not very
fun I told Holly I said boy today was
probably one of the most laziest
boringness day that we've had in
multiple weeks and he's like yeah tell
me about it
and guess what tonight is I'm so excited
Kev's my dad is I have it hidden because
Jeremiah kept getting into him
yes I asked him I said honey
our friends are all waiting for this
video to come out of you and I doing
this doodle bean challenge he's like
really am i mmm
so yeah you got eyes I got him to do it
so I think we're gonna try and get the
kids down for bed if ha will stay asleep
we're gonna sneak in here tonight and
make the video so I get to post it
tomorrow I am so excited and then April
sent me her video molly was trying to
get me her video she somehow mistakenly
deleted the video so I'm gonna check
with her on through email tonight and
then see what's going on if anything
that I'm just gonna post the video
tomorrow see you guys also get to see
that video of what was in the giveaway
box
um but yeah I'm so excited and then I
have a try on haul coming up - it's a
very small one it's only a couple of
things but I'm really excited to show
you guys so it's stay tuned for that but
yeah so I hope you guys had a wonderful
day today
and I hope that today was not a lazy day
and I hope today's video that I posted
was not too overwhelming because like I
said it was probably the size of a movie
theater Chad movie the size of a movie
in a movie theater because I think I'm a
superstar
and I could get away with it um but
anyways yeah I am gonna jump off now and
go get my chicks to bed because they
need sleep and I want a rest so anyways
I will see you guys tomorrow bye
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